I knew something was coming. Don't get me wrong, I'm not by any means a pessimist or a fatalist. Life had been too comfortable, too easy, too good lately and while I'm grateful for it and praising God for it, I knew it wouldn't last forever. The Bible promises suffering for those who will really follow Jesus...PROMISES it.
That's right, hear me, nowhere in the scripture does it say giving your life to Christ will make every day awesome and make your dreams come true. It says quite the opposite. "In this world you WILL have trouble...". Every day there is a cost to being a disciple. We are called to die to ourselves...that is to deny what we want in favor of what He wants for us. Suffering is given to us as a gift, to build and shape our faith. But it's not a gift in pretty packaging.
Some suffering is simply the result of our own stupidity, the consquences of our selfish decisions and actions. But some suffering is not the result of our own sin at all, like the blind man Jesus healed in John 9.
"As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him."

So I knew that it was only a matter of time till life would throw me a curveball. I figured that was it when I broke my foot and had to learn to deal with being totally dependent on other people to drive me and my kids around. I could see the obvious lesson and having been trying to learn it, despite how hard it is for me. I'm not a homebody and definitely not an introvert so being homebound for a week while Mike travels is tough. I admit to struggling with this though I consider myself fortunate how temporary the situation is.
What I didn't expect was the real trial of my
grandfather falling and being hospitalized leaving my grandmother to fend for herself. I knew the crisis day was probably coming when we would have to intervene to be sure they are cared for, but I did not think it would happen while they were in Boston and CERTAINLY not when I have a broken foot and can't physically go help them myself. And since my sister just had a baby the timing could not be any worse.
I don't want to go into a ton of detail about all the various aspects of this crisis that make it so much harder than your average health or senior care struggle. The extremes of various personality traits come out when placed under pressure. I know eventually it will all resolve itself but right now it is not just a daily struggle but an hourly one that threatens to last weeks and months into the future. I spend a ton of time on the phone and the rest of the time thinking about my mom and my grandparents. I pay their bills and try to calm everyone's nerves and suggest next steps. I wish and wish and wish I could be there. It literally consumes my thoughts.
All the while I am trusting God for His hand in the situation, on all parties involved. I try very hard not to feel anxious, but it's a struggle. When the pastor in church asks us to place our burdens on Jesus and let them go, I try, and I pray, but I feel guilty for the moments when I don't feel burdened. I do have those moments though, because of the Lord's great mercy I can put my whole trust on Him and feel free to worship and listen and learn.
So if I seem distracted and tired and not as smiley as usual, know that things are hard and more than anything we need your prayer. I'm putting my firm belief in intentional living and choosing joy to the test. I still believe that joy is a choice and stress is more about how we respond and react to a crisis than the actual circumstances themselves. As much as part of me would like to rush past all this hard stuff, I know I'm called to be grateful even for this moment and dwell in it so that I can learn from it.