Broken

Spring break was decidedly not fun around the Hubbell house. I failed to get Nathan registered for camp in time so I was facing the prospect of hoping he'd entertain himself on my work days. Then Alex came down with the flu, so instead of working on Monday I had to drag both kids to that germ infested pitri dish that is the pediatrician's office. His diagnosis of the flu meant spring break would not include fun outings to the Livestock show or the zoo. Of course it turned out that I got Alex's germs and headed to the doctor the very next day...again with both kids in tow. My being sick meant not only was I not really able to work, I couldn't continue my training runs in this last homestretch before my big race. I hated not being able to run.

The germs were just frustrating, as they have interrupted life in our house for months now. One virus after another. But we soldier on with life and deal with it. Friday afternoon everyone was feeling well enough to head to the playground near our house. Of course I was staring at my phone when Nathan fell off a balance beam and landed on his hand in such a way that he began yelling "Oh NO!" and hyper-ventilating. Not really crying though. He insisted on leaving that minute so we did, and once home I realized his elbow was swelling up something fierce. Off to the urgent care center where x-ray verified a bad break at the base of the humerus bone. Nathan was so brave, never crying, only yielding the occasionally quiet "Ouch" when the x-ray tech moved his arm about. Of course the Tylenol with Codeine helped that too.  He asked a million questions about it, not realizing that a broken bone is not a permanent situation. He wondered how he would accomplish all kinds of things, such as packing his bookbag at school. The nurse practitioner wrapped it in a splint and we will see the ortho doc today to have it casted.

The straw that broke the camel's back for me though, was not Nathan's broken arm. It was an email I received later that night about one of my closest friends from back in Pennsylvania. Dawn has always been someone I wanted to live like, an overflowing fountain of positive energy and a light for the gospel of Jesus Christ to everyone around her. She's the one that introduced me to MOPS and to Financial Peace University and her business as a Premier Designs jewelry woman is beyond ordinary success. She also happens to be the elected local Republican committee woman, fiercely passionate about civic duty. All this with three young boys and a husband in the National Guard who has had to spend a lot of time away from home. God blessed me richly with a friend when we moved in next door to Dawn's family in 2004. Last year I learned that she had breast cancer, and I could only pray from afar as she battled it with the grace and beauty she is known for. We all thought she had beaten the cancer at the end of 2010. Then I got the heartbreaking news on Friday that she had been feeling bad and doctors found cancer in her bones and liver.

I'm just going to admit that I pretty much had a total breakdown. I cried myself to sleep Friday night and woke up crying Saturday morning. I went for a run and felt like a huge weight was on my shoulders. I prayed, I thought, I wrestled, I tried to lay it before my God, but I still cried. All day long. I believe that God is sovereign, which means He is in control of everything, good and bad. I can even see pretty clearly why He would choose Dawn for this, because I know that she will ensure that He is glorified by it. I saw it in the very young life of Sarah Chidgey who was taken by cancer just recently but glorified Jesus more than I could even hope to if I live a hundred years. So do I understand why this is God's plan? Maybe in part, yes. But this is the first time in a very very long time when I have not liked His plan at all. I was downright angry about it. Grieved that this world could lose her light much too soon.

I knew church would be hard on Sunday morning, but the Fellowship is my family and worship is my refuge. You should know that I do NOT like to show negative emotions. I can't stand to cry in front of people. But I was feeling weak and helpless. Broken. Angry. God spoke to me through the worship set yesterday, loudly. We sang Blessed Be Your Name, a song I don't remember ever singing at our current church but we sang all the time at our old church and even my kids sing it with me in the car. The lyrics, from Job 1:21, are ones that I have chosen as a life theme.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." 

I know this truth and I will continue to praise the Lord even when I'm not feeling it. All I need is to be reminded of His incredible mercy towards me, which I was in the song To Know Your Name, which is essentially pulled from John 3:16. God's redemptive plan is so much bigger than my circumstances or Dawn's circumstances. He spoke right to the analytical part of soul that cannot ignore the magnitude of Christ's work on the cross no matter how upset or angry I get. Then we sang one of my new favorites, Stronger, and the floodgates burst open. Tears came pouring down my cheeks and I couldn't even sing but I knew that if our God is stronger than sin and death, He is also stronger than cancer. When I am feeling utterly weak and helpless it doesn't matter because my God is stronger.

So I'm better now. Not overjoyed, but better. Please pray for my sweet friend Dawn right now.